I don’t know why I ever make friends. All that ever happens is that they band together once I I bring them together when I’m the one who held them together. I know what I deserve.

I don’t need anyone. Whenever I go looking for something I’ll never go further than my own backyard.

Seeing my old friends last night was weird. Besides my recently deposed group of friends who I have known since I was a baby, this was this other group that always cherished me but I wasn’t very fond of, nor got along too well with but we were always friends nonetheless.
One of ‘em leaves to the air force in a year and I probably won’t get to see him for years to come periodically until him and I are probably close to settling down?
And with the others… The dynamic was so weird. It was all good but SOO nostalgic and I felt like I had grown up 10-20 years and it was so weird and made me feel like I’m facing reality and growing up for the first time in a long time. I just need to be more civil.

I feel like my self-awareness has gone out the window. I fail to comprehend what is going on anymore, even just the little things.

I can’t process whether I feel like I’m being used by any friends of mine, I’ve become very defensive.

I feel like people should be working towards being my friend more anyway, but is that the mindset that actually gets me in trouble? It’s more of a thought in the back of my mind but it influences the outcome of my actions.

I don’t know what categorizes a good friendship, one that say, has, evolved. What makes up a good friendship? Kindness?

How do I not feel hostile when I don’t want to, when I shouldn’t? Why does a simple “hello” have to be so complicated.

Do I have to feel like I need to shoot an extra friendly welcome, or do I try to remain lax and cool in front of a fellow peer? But because I also should for myself.

Have I become a monster? Why can’t I muster the ability to carry all this information whole all throughout the time.